Tag: #intimacy

Letting Go of “Primary”

“Collaboration has no hierarchy. The sun collaborates with the soil to bring flowers on the earth.” – Amit Ray

If you have been following my journey, you will know what a struggle this one has been for me. When I made the move from solo-polyamory to partnered polyamory I made a lot of assumptions about what that move meant. We both did. And we have been learning over the last several years that some of those assumptions weren’t the same, and that some don’t fit how one or both of us want to operate now. 

The most basic definition of hierarchy is “a system or organization in which people or groups are ranked one above the other according to status or authority”. Hierarchy exists everywhere. From political or religious structures, to families, to nature, everything has a ranking system. Even our own bodies are hierarchical, from cells all the way up to organ systems. We are surrounded by it, born to and raised in it, and it is such a consistent part of our lives that most of us don’t even question the need for it. 

But does that mean hierarchy should also exist in our relationships? 

170 years ago the world I live in would have looked very different. My parents would have found a man for me to marry (probably in exchange for some kind of livestock or other trade goods) and I would have moved from their home to his. Instead of answering to them I would answer to him. We would have had children, and possibly farmworkers, who would answer to him, and then only in his absence, to me. I would have lived my life as part of a hierarchy based on sexism, racism, and socioeconomic status and never would have questioned if there was another way. 

The world has changed a lot since then. It still has a long way to go, but it is trying. And one of the areas that is changing the most is relationships. 

I was lucky enough to be raised by parents who taught me that women are equal to men, and that the value you bring to a relationship isn’t your money or status, it is who you are as a person. My parents ran our home together, and if anything my mom was the authority, not my dad. Yes, my dad had a higher income and my mom spent my younger years at home raising kids, but it could not have been more obvious that my mom never felt or acted like she answered to my dad in any way. The concept of rank never entered their relationship, and because that is how I grew up, the idea of hierarchy within a two person relationship has never existed for me. My relationships are partnerships, and always have been.

So why is it so difficult for me to apply that same principle to polyamory? 

The best answer I can give is fear. Fear of being superseded. Fear of not having a say in decisions that are being made. Fear that my wants and desires will not be as important as someone else’s. Fear that I will not be as important as someone else. Fear of being replaced, discarded, or ignored.

The exact same fears a secondary partner feels in a hierarchical relationship. 

Are my fears more valid because I started dating my partner first? Should they hold more weight because we live together? Or spend more time together? Or sleep together most nights? Am I entitled to demand more from my partner than they give to any other partner simply because we have been together longer? Do I get to put rules and limits on their relationship so that I can feel safer in my own? Should my vote count for more, just because I’ve had one longer? 

The answer to all of these questions is no. 

We have already made huge strides towards egalitarian polyamory. I have no decision making power over my partners other relationships, and he has none over mine. We express our thoughts, opinions, and feelings, sometimes very emphatically and dramatically, but ultimately the decisions we make are our own, and are the ones we as individuals feel are best for each relationship. Sometimes one of us is hurt or left out in the decision, and sometimes the metamour is. There are no vetoes or hard limits, and we continue to push the boundaries of what each of us is comfortable with. It isn’t always easy, and some boundaries have moved faster than others, but it is a constant work in progress, and blanket “no”s never enter the picture. Do we choose each other more often than we choose others? Yes, for now at least. But it’s not because of a title we’ve given our relationship, or a set of rules we’ve imposed on it. It’s because as individuals that’s where we are choosing to focus our time and attention. 

I haven’t been practicing hierarchical polyamory for a while now. So why is the title that comes with it still so important to me? I have already let go of the control and privileges that come with it, so why do I still need the word, even knowing that it holds no meaning? Is the appearance of status and authority still important to me, even though the actual status and authority doesn’t come with it? 

Apparently. And now it’s time to let go of that too. 

What Are You Looking For?

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” – Carl Gustave Jung

“What are you looking for?” I get this question a lot. From people who don’t know me at all to people who know me very well. It is a great question, and I often answer it a little differently depending on who is asking.

I have a fantastic life and I am the happiest I have ever been. I have a good career, own my home, and have successfully ushered my offspring into early adulthood. I have a decent relationship with my family, have amassed an impressive collection of books, board games, and hobby supplies, and so far have avoided any long term debilitating illnesses or injuries. I have a sexy and supportive primary partner, a truly beautiful group of friends, and am part of a community of people that embrace me for who I am. Life is very, very good. 

So what am I looking for? 

A big part of getting to where I am now was learning a few things along the way, and those things are as valid and important now that I am in a wonderful place as they were when I first learned them.

  1. It is unreasonable to expect one person to provide everything you need. This is true no matter what the relationship – romantic, friendship, or family. People are beautiful complex creatures, and we all come with a mess of needs, wants, and issues that are more than some of us can handle on our own. How is it fair to expect only one other person to be able to help us with all of that, when all of us can barely help ourselves? Western society likes to tell us “it takes a village to raise a child”, but why does that stop once you grow up? If anything your needs are more complex and diverse, so it only makes sense that it will take more and different people to meet them all. 
  1. I want to continue to grow and evolve as a person. Life is great right now, but that is the way it is because of all the work I did and all the changes I made to get here. It didn’t just happen overnight, and it won’t stay this way if I just leave it alone.  Everything changes, whether you want it to or not, so trying to stay the same means getting left behind. That doesn’t mean racing forward and leaping into every new thing that crosses my path, but it also doesn’t mean slamming the door on anything different or scary. I want to grow and evolve and see what else I can see/do/accomplish, not just stagnate where I am. 
  1. I crave new input. New experiences, new ideas, and new people. I firmly believe that who we are as people is made up of the things we have experienced and the people we have experienced them with, good or bad. Every person we share time with becomes a piece of us, shapes us, and ultimately determines who we are going to be next. Allowing new people in means getting to see the world through a new set of eyes, being introduced to new activities or ideas, and having the opportunity to learn new things about myself. 

So what am I looking for? I am looking for people who bring something new and worthwhile to my life, be it a romantic connection, a friendship, or an experience. My hope is that these will all be positive additions, connections that increase the size of my “village”, but even if they aren’t they are still things that I can learn from. They will still become a part of me, either treasured memories to bask in later or painful moments that teach me something new. 

Marriage

“Happiness is only real when shared.” – Jon Krakauer

Historically marriages happened for a lot of reasons, most of them cultural or financial. Sometimes the couple in question had a choice and sometimes they did not, but very seldom did it matter to anyone if they loved or even liked each other. It was expected that at a certain point in life you would fulfill the social contract and enter into the transaction known as marriage. 

Today in most western cultures marriage is seen as the ultimate sign of love for your partner. In many cases there are still legal, social, and economic benefits involved, such as enlarging your family, combining resources to purchase and maintain property, or having the financial support to stay home and raise children, but those are now seen as the benefits of finding someone who you love enough to marry rather than the reason for marriage itself. It is no longer an obligation; now it is a desire. Plus you get to have a big party with presents and cake, and who doesn’t want that, right? 

I have been in love a few times, and at least once in love enough that I did everything in my power to be with that person for the rest of my life. It didn’t work out, but even when it still looked like it would somehow the topic of marriage never came up. Not because I was waiting for him to bring it up, but because it never really crossed my mind as something we needed to consider. We chose each other every day, we made plans for the future, we were happy, and that was enough for me. What could marriage give me that I didn’t already have? 

Over the last couple years a few very close friends have gotten married. These marriages did not occur because my friends are planning to have children, need financial support, are particularly religious, or felt some kind of cultural obligation to tie the knot. They happened because they wanted to be married, not because they needed to be. Because they love each other, and because expressing that love through marriage was important to them.

I love my partner. The reasons I love him could fill a blog post of their own, so I won’t go into that here. Our relationship is the healthiest one I have every been in; we support each other when it’s necessary, make room for independence when it’s not, question and challenge each other to ensure we keep growing as people, plan for the future and accept our pasts, live and own property together, talk about everything, explore new things, and have a fantastic sex and social life. I genuinely can’t think of anything we are missing, and I feel like the very best version of myself when I am with him. Looking ahead I can imagine situations that will present us with challenges, but if we continue as we have been I can’t imagine anything we can’t get through if we try. 

Does all of this mean we should get married? I honestly don’t know. I find the idea of marriage intriguing in a way I never have before. In the past it looked like a trap blocking a person from experiencing new things with different people. Being polyamorous any marriage I entered into couldn’t fall into the standard rules marriages have traditionally followed, which I think on some level is why I have never really wanted it. But what if we could write our own definition of marriage, and make our own rules about what that looks like for us? Create something that makes us both feel protected, loved, and heard, that still involves choosing each other every day, and that leaves room for us to have experiences outside of the two of us. Definitions and rules that grow and change as we do, evolving as our relationship does, supporting and nurturing each other without limiting one another. 

I don’t know if it’s possible, or if it’s different in any way that what we are doing right now, but it sure is interesting to think about. 

Why You Should Try Boudoir Photography

“I’m not here to make you comfortable, I’m here to make you passionate.” – Lebo Grand

First things first, a little bit about me. I am not a model, influencer, or professional photographer. I do not profit financially from my online presence, from promoting others, or from any images of myself that I choose to share. I am a mother, partner, and daughter. I am a professional, a nerdy girl, and a lover of the outdoors. I am over 40, overweight, and over letting any of those things hold me back. 

Boudoir pictures have been around for a long time. Shapely young women, scantily clad, with perfect hair and perfect faces, lounging in suggestive and inviting positions. Power, confidence and sensuality absolutely oozes from their images, challenging any person looking at them to be enough to take them on. Like many of you I have frequently looked at those pictures wishing I could shine like they do. 

You know what? I can. And so can you. 

I have done a lot of work on myself over the last several years, and during that time I have come to know people who have made that journey easier. A few of them were photographers, and between my own growing knowledge of myself and what I had to offer and their skills behind the camera I came to realize one amazing thing – you do not need to be young, shapely, and perfect to be beautiful. Beauty is a state of mind. When a person believes they are beautiful then happiness and confidence radiates from them, and their power and sensuality is undeniable. It has nothing to do with how they look and everything to do with how they feel. 

We all carry within us the ability to get to that place, but that doesn’t mean we can all get there on our own. I didn’t. I had help, a lot of it. There are days when I still need help. Self confidence is a lifelong battle for me, as I am sure it is for many of you. This is where boudoir photography comes in.

Boudoir pictures capture a moment in time, a moment where you were feeling all the best things you want to feel about yourself. They are captured by someone looking at you from the outside, someone who doesn’t see all the flaws and imperfections you do, someone who wants to make you feel as empowered, beautiful, and confident as possible. Someone whose job is to help you feel good about your body. A boudoir shoot is the perfect opportunity to explore and celebrate yourself, and to do it in a fun and relaxed way. Dress up, dress down, wear a lot, a little, or nothing at all. Try a theme or a scene you’ve always loved. Do your pictures on your own, with a friend, or with a partner. Go all out and get your hair, nails, and makeup done, or go all natural. Do whatever makes you feel like the best version of you in that moment.  The experience is as important as the images that come out of it. 

What should you do with the pictures after? Whatever you want! Share them with friends, with partners, or on social media. Put them in your christmas card, hang them in your home, or display them at your funeral. Or do none of those things, and keep them just for you. Look at them on those days when you aren’t feeling good about yourself, when you need a little self healing, or when you need to be reminded of the beautiful, powerful, sensual person that you are. 

Sex

“Let’s talk about sex, baby” – Salt-N-Pepa

I’m just going to come out and say it; I love sex. I love the intimacy, the connection, and yes, the physical release of it. I love the way it feels when my partner and I look into each others eyes and see the passion we have for one another shining through. I love exploring each others bodies, finding all those special places that result in shivers or giggles, learning how to touch to tease and where to stroke for results. I love discovering all the different ways to move together to get the desired results, and I love trying new ideas to see if we can get different or more intense ones. I love the moments after sex, cuddling up together, talking or laughing about what happened, or discussing things we might try next time. I love sex, and everything that goes along with it. 

I know sex isn’t like this for everyone. Not all sexual experiences are positive ones, and a history of negative ones can make enjoying sex very challenging. Sometimes self esteem issues make being naked and exposed around another person a terrifying experience that might result in nothing but rejection and embarrassment. Some people have difficulty enjoying the physical aspects of sex, and find orgasming or even enjoying intimate touch without an orgasm challenging. And some people simply don’t have much of a drive, and find the idea of having to physically please a partner all the time an exhausting or trying experience.

So how important is sex to a relationship? Is romantic success linked to the number of orgasms you and your partner give one another? Should partnerships be ranked like sporting events, where the teams who score the most often are considered the winners?

It’s important to remember that in most cases sex isn’t actually about sex; it’s about the affection and emotional connection that comes out of trying to make one another feel good. Yes, there are some proven physiological benefits of having a healthy sex life, but those same benefits can be found in other places. Going to the gym or eating a quality chocolate bar for example. Physical connection is important, but that connection doesn’t have to come from sex. Hugging, cuddling, and sleeping together can bring the same level of intimacy, and have their own health benefits. 

Despite what you may read online there is no set number of times per day, week, or month that you should be having sex. Do you know why? Because sex isn’t meant to be about what you should do, and intimacy won’t come out of something that feels like an obligation. Sex should always be a choice, even in a relationship, and couples need to come up with their own rhythm, one that will meet their needs. Don’t get caught up in what’s ‘normal’, and don’t look for outside validation. 

If you or your partner are unhappy with your sexual relationship don’t look to the internet for answers; look to each other. Yes, it is ‘normal’ for desire to diminish over time, but don’t use that as an excuse not to look under the surface. Maybe there is an imbalance because one partner feels like they are always giving, and the other is always taking. Maybe someone isn’t being completely honest about their inner desires, insecurities, or fears, and that is affecting their ability to get intimate. Maybe there’s a physical issue, and you need to consider alternate forms of intercourse or intimate touch. Maybe you have forgotten to cherish your sexual energy, and need to spend some time focusing on your partner as an object of physical desire. Whatever the answer is, the only way to find it is by talking with each other.