Getting Left Behind

Being single can be a lot of fun. You get to meet new people, experience things you may not have otherwise, and build new social circles. You will encounter other single people who may not fit as partners, but who will still become great friends. You will find you have a unique camaraderie and companionship with these people, and you may even find yourself spending more time with them than with your existing friends. 

New friends can be just as exciting as new lovers; you get that surge of excitement at the prospect of something different, the feeling of self-gratification that comes from a total stranger liking you, and the opportunity to swap stories you haven’t told in years. You get to be you, without having to worry about being sexy at the same time. It is important to remember to still be careful though, as there are a few things you need to watch for when you are making your new friendship connections through online dating.

The first thing you should keep in mind is your existing friendships. No one expects you to take your friends along on your dates, that’s just weird, but that doesn’t mean you can’t include them in anything. Talk to them about what’s going on and introduce them to the new people who become important in your life. Most of us have a habit of keeping our circles separate; we have our work friends, our school friends, our weekend friends, etc. Now you will be adding your dating friends to the mix. If you really think about it though there’s no reason all those groups need to be kept separate. If you make friends with someone through online dating because you have a lot in common or share a similar outlook on life with them, it’s pretty likely that at least some of your existing friends will like them just as much, for the same reasons. Merge your circles and you will have lots of time for everyone.

It is also important to remember that most of the other people you are meeting are trying to fill a space in their lives. At first your friendship may seem like a great way to do this, but as time progresses and particularly if they find that person they are really looking for, you may find that your services are no longer required and that they don’t have time for you anymore. This can be a heartbreaking experience, whether it is a conscious decision on the part of your friend or an involuntary side effect of their new relationship. They may not have realized there was something you were lacking until they found someone who had it, or they may have hoped that they would have time for both of you only to realize they were wrong. Either way it is very likely that you are going to come out second best in that equation, and that it is going to hurt. A lot. 

There are few things in life quite as tough as feeling like you have made a great connection with someone who will be in your life forever, only to find out later that you were just a placeholder for them until they found the thing they were really looking for. We expect to spend less time with someone when they are building a new romantic relationship, what we don’t expect is to be left behind completely, or to be replaced by a shiny new friend. Friendships should be something that fall outside of the dating cycle, that are immune to it; unfortunately they often aren’t and they suffer as a result of new relationships. Try and keep in mind during your dating journey that your friends are important too, the existing ones and the new ones. 

Something a Little Different

About two months ago I met a man through POF. His profile caught my eye because of the honesty in his write up, because of his height (yes, I can be shallow too), and because of the style and quality of his profile pictures. Not what I could tell about his looks from the pictures mind you, but the emotion that he managed to convey in them. It appealed to the amateur photographer in me, and left me interested enough to want to know more.

We messaged a bit and then set up a meeting. My favorite type of first meeting actually, a walk through a local park. I think he even suggested it. The meeting went well; the conversation flowed naturally, there was enough light teasing and laughter to suggest the presence of chemistry, and we never seemed to run out of topics to touch on. He was comfortable with my polyamory, and seemed like he might be on the edge of looking for something similar, although for different reasons. It was definitely one of my more successful first dates. He was going to be working out of town for a bit, so we set up an early dinner date for the next day, just before he left. The second date went as well as the first, cementing the fact that there was a connection worth pursuing, whatever that connection might be.

Between him working out of town and my schedule it was about a week before we saw each other again. He was pursuing other relationships and so was I, but we continued to grow the one we were building as well. Our third date was something I wouldn’t normally do that quickly; we planned to hang out at his place, just to spend time together and see what would happen. I was so comfortable with him so quickly that I wasn’t even judging myself, I was just letting things happen as they would. They did, and it was great. No pressure, no expectations, just two adults enjoying each other’s company and planning to continue to do so. He went out of town again for the week, and when he got back we had a great night out followed by a great time in. Things were going really well. Then we hit a hiccup.

I have a habit of adapting to the needs of my partner, and I was getting the sense that he wanted or felt like he needed a relationship. Not an exclusive one, and maybe not even one with me, but something with feelings and future potential. I was happy with what things were, but felt strongly enough about him that if he wanted to try then I was willing. So I let him know that. It turns out I was wrong, and my assumption and ensuing declaration resulted in some anxiety on his part and some hurt feelings on mine. I think if we had less of a connection then things would have ended there, and we each would have gone our separate ways.

Instead of running away we wound up having a series of conversations, and out of those we were able to figure out what we wanted from each other. Not a romantic relationship, that wasn’t something either of us felt would work out long term. We each had our own reasons for that, some of which we discussed and others that we did not. What it really came down to was the fact that that particular spark wasn’t there, for either of us. Sometimes it just happens that way; everything else can be a perfect fit, but if one piece isn’t there the whole thing doesn’t work.

So if not a romantic relationship, then what? Friends, obviously. But friend is such a broad term and encompasses so many different levels of relationships that it seems too general. In the short time we have known each other we have shared things, supported each other, and connected in ways that I haven’t with people I’ve known for decades. Friends with benefits is too harsh, it sounds cheap and like we were using each other. When our other relationships allowed for it and when we chose to enjoy each other’s company physically it was as an add on to what we had; never an expectation or a pillar of the relationship. If it never happened again it wouldn’t change anything.

We were out for a walk the other night, chatting about our lives, other relationships, and various thoughts or experiences we had over the last few days. Just enjoying each other’s company. He turned to me at one point and said “I do love you, you know” and I replied with “I know, and I love you too”. Because I did, and I do. It wasn’t a big declaration, there weren’t any tears or giant smiles or passionate embraces or promises made. It was just a quiet verbal acknowledgement of something we both felt, something that had grown without effort or intent.

When I started online dating I expected to make friends, I even hoped for it. I also expected misunderstandings, and that some would go well and others would not. It happens. What I could never expect was that a mistaken assumption on my part would lead to a series of conversations that has allowed me to find one of the best friends I have ever had in my life. Would we have gotten here without that hiccup? I honestly don’t know. And really, it doesn’t matter. We are here. I may not have a word for exactly what we are to one another, it’s something a little different, but I do know that it’s special and that I wouldn’t trade it for anything.